Thursday, December 29, 2005

Sit Your Ass Down Awards 2005

As this year draws to a close, we must sit back and reflect on the foolishness that went on in 2005. Because it will not be happening again in 2006. These are the official Sit Your Ass Down Awards, live and uncensored.

Shall We?
*D4L- You cannot be serious. Shake that Laffy Taffy does not count as actually lyrics unless they are part of a junior high school double dutch routine. Your beat sounds like it was made in someone's basement and that 4 is just in there to throw us off. Its DL, we know.
*Bow Wow- "...I got a girl that every man wants and she got a man that every girl wants."
(Let me also say that this dude got the Nigga Please Award two weeks in a row. Get back at us when you're twenty-one.)
*Webbie- Girl gimme that...Enough said.
*Mike Jones- Who?
*Kanye West- "If I don't get the album of the year award I'm gone throw a fit." Puh-leeze.
*Vonetta Wallace- Swears everyone is profiting off her son's demise. She's made about three hundred books on the subject. Who really needs to cut it out?
*Trina- Make a date with Oxford so you can live the Glamourous Life.
*G-Unit- The second of coming of the Wu-Tang Clan is getting a little bit ridiculous. You started out as a four man group. Now you are a small country.
*Trillville- I don't even have the words.
*Damon Dash- "If you ain't under the umbrella you gone get rained on." Tap tap nigga! Its raining!
*Lil Kim- When risking your neck for your homies sends your ass to prison, it ain't worth it. If I'm going down, all ya'll ass is comin with me. I'm not trying to hear any of that loyalty bullsh*t. Please. I'm not trying to be the only one up in here getting a rap sheet.
*R. Kelly- Either come out of the closet or not. And if you write one more damn step song...
*Ciara- Maybe you can let the gas out of Bow Wow's head and put it in your sales.
*Keyshia Cole- "Check the sales. Ain't nobody nicer than me right now." Yes, and it took you four months to go gold. Not platinum.
*T.Error Marie- Is there any girls around that know how to sing?
*Chris Brown- Run it to some vocal lessons.
*Brandy- Grow up. Really.
*Olivia- I'm sorry and you are?
*Mariah Carey- You have put up the charade for far too long now. We loved you on Vision of Love, we loved Emotions, we tolerated Fantasy and Charm Bracelet and Butterfly. We forgave you for Glitter. But The Emancipation of Mimi has taken it quite far. Like I keep telling everyone; there could be no supply without a demand. If we stop buying them, she'll stop making them.
*Destiny's Child- If you're going to retire, do so. No more comebacks, no more shows, no more appearances. And don't even think about a reunion album.
*Lindsey Lohan- We understand you're going through some things right now but taking it out on us is not fair.
*Ashlee Simpson- From lip synching on SNL to falling out in Japan, you've come a long way girl! Now if you can go a little further, a little further. Wait, a bit more. Yes, now you are off the stage.
*Britney Spears- Do the words 'just fade into oblivion' mean anything to you?
*Karrine Steffans- Huh. I could go on and on about this topic but all I'm going to say is that her son is going to grow up one day. And he is going to learn to read. And he is going to be embarrassed as hell that she is his mother.
*Terry McMillian- I could have called that from a mile away. He looked like a fruitbasket from the day you met him honeychild. Which brings me to...
*Star Jones- So you lost some weight. And all your class and dignity went with it. You look awful and apparently you don't act much better. Come on Star. I was down when you were reppin with the big girls but then you went to the other side. Like Mo'Nique says, skinny women are evil.
*Sheryl Underwood- Ghetto country ass bama. Lord have mercy. Is it an epidemic or was she just raised that way?
*Tom Cruise- Two minutes into that labor and Katie's gonna be screaming like a bat out of hell. There is no way she is going to have a silent birth. Oh, and depression is an ass kicker. Look it up.
*Samuel L. Jackson- For obvious reasons. (Triple X and Formula 51 being two of them.)
*Terrance Howard- Once again, you just started getting good roles so there is no need for the gums to be flapping.
*Shemar Moore- No, light skinned brothers are not making a comeback.
*Jessica Alba- Stop it. Seriously.
*Sarah Jessica Parker- A series of Gap commercials is not enough to save you from the downward spiral that was the series finale of Sex and the City. The show was good while it lasted, don't try to milk it for anything more.
*Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis- You both already know what I'm going to say. You're too got dang old to be playing these high school roles. You're both over fifty. No more.
*Holly Robinson Peete- The only reason you had a career is because you married Rodney. No one remembers you from 21 Jump Street.
*Condoleeza Rice- You grew up in Alabam and never experienced racism? I'm still trying to get that one. I remember someone telling me she was a woman young black girls should look up to. For what? The support of a lying murdering administration? I don't think so.
*Donald Rumsfeld- Grow some balls, seriously.
**George W. Bush- I don't even know where to begin. As you can see, next to my posts, there is a Countdown. It tells you exactly how long we have until this hell is over. (Even though I can't really front, I'm quite sure we'd be going to hell in a handbasket if we left it up to John Kerry) George Bush has singlehandedly destroyed the entire world. Seriously. The 2,000 Americans killed in his psuedo war don't even half counter the 30,000 lives lost in Iraq. And we are still waiting for an explanation. You claimed that 9/11 taught us to always be aware of our enemies. Okay. Then you flew over Iraq that same night and blew up a hospital and a school. Right. What the hell does Saddam Hussein have to do with Osmam bin Laden? Its like trying Hitler from crimes committed by Napoleon. Get real. Its a shock to me that there have been no attempts on his life as of yet.

Please tune in next year, December 29, for the 2006 edition.

Also, while I am here, let me say this:
I love ya'll all for holding me down. From my very first post until now, I've had quite a few faithful readers and I'm glad you all stuck with me for the ride. I will be going on a short hiatus, and I will return on New Year's Day for the 100th post party. Yes!!! New Year's Day will be my official 100th post. So I will see you soon.
Happy New Year from New York and I'm out.


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Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take and may this song play all the way, through. And if it skip a beat, hit repeat, this the realest shit I ever wrote, this is me. If it skip a beat, hit repeat, This the realest shit I ever wrote, this is me. -Juelz Sanatana, This Is Me, What The Game's Been Missing