Wednesday, January 11, 2006

My Dear Mr. Blackwell...

Mr. Blackwell has released his Worst Dressed List for 2005. I have been patiently waiting, as his lists are often on point. And this year he does not disappoint.
1) Britney Spears
2) Mary-Kate Olsen
3) Jessica Simpson

4) Eva Longoria
5) Mariah Carey
6) Paris Hilton
7) Anna Nicole Smith
8) Shakira
9) Lindsay Lohan
10) Renee Zellweger

Britney Spears has never looked good in her entire (how many years has it been now?) career. I think she looked better in her Mouseketeers outfit than she has ever looked at any of her performances.
Mary Kate Olsen...hmm, well since there isn't enough of her to clothe, I'm sure Mr. Blackwell was referring to the living room drapes that girl is constantly swallowed in.
Jessica Simpson has no taste. I know ya'll saw her at the awards show that time she had that black and white Hi-my-name-is-Inga-from-Sweden milkmaid outfit on? My mother and I have an acronym we frequently use. It's WTFAYG: Where The Fuck Are You Going?
Eva Longoria: I happen to like the way she looks. She's so tiny, you can put her in your pocket. I've never seen her look too bad. A little on the baby girl you might wanna change that, but never bad.
Mariah Carey has looked bad since the day she married Tommy Mottola. And now that she's old and fat and insists on wearing these I'm-still-young!-you-can-love-me! gowns to the award shows we all have to suffer the rage that is. I wish someone would wrap their hands around her neck and strangle her. Maybe it's time for another mental breakdown.
Paris Hilton is a glorified stick figure. I've drawn things that look better than her.
Anna Nicole Smith is fighting to get that settlement from her dead husband. He left her like eighty mil or something like that. GIVE IT TO HER!! She had to fuck that fat nigga, throw her a bone. As a matter of fact, don't. She doesn't need to eat anything else. Give her the money so she can get some clothes that fit. You lost weight, great. You're still not Pam Anderson.
Shakira, Shakira, Shakira. I love the hip thing, thinking about doing it for Christmas. But I've never seen her in anything but in/organic products. Paint, dirt, mud, you can't see what she's wearing through the sludge.
Lindsay Lohan never wore anything memorable. I remember, literally, zero good outfits. I do wish she would put the weight back on so she could actually fit into some of said clothes.
Renee Zellweger thought she could get off the list because she was in that kick-ass movie Cold Mountain and because she split up with Kenny Chesney. No such luck sweetie. Now I love her just as much as the next but she really does make some bad choices when it comes to clothing.
Does anyone notice that he forgot Beyonce and Ciara? Honey, it's been past time for you to stop wearing the clothes your mother makes, she knows nothing about fashion. And you, leave the I-work-for-food look at home in the gutter where it belongs. She looks like a freakin refugee ALL THE TIME. Like she's the spokesmodel for the Katrina House of Fashions or something. Bow Wow, you wanna handle that?
*Note: The above comment was in no way intended to jab at or make fun of the victims of the devastating hurricane that destroyed much of Louisiana late last year. My strongest and most heartfelt condolences to each and every family adversely affected by this tragedy.)


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Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take and may this song play all the way, through. And if it skip a beat, hit repeat, this the realest shit I ever wrote, this is me. If it skip a beat, hit repeat, This the realest shit I ever wrote, this is me. -Juelz Sanatana, This Is Me, What The Game's Been Missing