Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Summer, Summer, Summer Time

Now that its begun to actually get hot (not like I'm complaining because I would much rather take the cold over this sh*t anyday) there are a few things that I've notcied that simply MUST be addressed before the summer wears on. I'm going to count down offenses from ten.

Number10: It is NEVER okay to leave the house without applying a layer of moisturizer. Especially if you are a member of the NODBAS. (Nation of Darker Brothers and Sisters, a fancy as acronym for Black.) Ash is neither sexy nor attractive. You cannot holla when your hands are looking like you were mixing together the Colonel's 13 herbs and spices.
Number 9: Sistas, I know some of us like to put them extensions in our hair for the summer so we can cut down on the costs of weekly (or bi-weekly if you're lazy/broke) salon visits. Fine, well and good. You CANNOT act like the hair piece you've been rockin since Kennedy was President is ever going to come back in style. If you've been wearing the same braids now in July that you were wearing when Hurricane Katrina hit, you may want to rethink coming out of the house.
Number 8: Again, sistas, wearing clothes that were too small for your baby sister when you bought them is NOT COOL. You will find that a strange phenomena occurs when you wear loose our fitted clothing. You actually feel cooler than you do when everything is clinging to your body. Why do you think Africans don't sweat in their dashikis?
Number 7: Brothas, now is the time to clean up that credit and get up on that child support and get your money right. How you gone call yourself a "pimp" or "gangsta" when you holla'in at me from the backseat of your homies ride? That is not what's poppin, its really not.
Number 6: Coordination is a must. Just because Pay/Half, Payless, SavMart and Easy Pickins are having sales at the same time does not make it alright for you to grab something of the same shade from each store and try to pass it off as a complete outfit. 32 different shades of turqouise is never a good look, no matter who says so. Matching and coordinating are two very different things.
Number 5: To my happy homos (yeah, I gotta get ya'll in there too) No One Wants to lok upon your nakedness. At all. Ever.
Number 4: Just because it's 70/80/90 degrees outside doesn't mean you are going to die. Put on a damn bra, put on some damn drawls, and put on some damn common sense. If you could afford that Gucci wristwatch you're wearing in the extreme heat, you can afford a GE AC from the nearest Best Buy.
Number 3: Summertime doesn't make it okay for your kids to lose structure. Your children do not need to be in the street at 3:30 in the morning. Send they ass to bed, make sure they're asleep and then if you wanna come outside and smoke and drink on the stoop for a little while, knock yourself out.
Number 2: Speaking of stoops, if you happen to live in a certain neighborhood where there are two parks complete with tracks and basketball courts within walking distance of your block, then YOUR BLOCK DOES NOT COUNT AS A PARK. It is ghetto as hell to be barbecuing on the front steps of an apartment building. There are no backyards, no pools, no trees, jsut asphalt and vehicular exhaust.
Number 1: You all knew it was coming, you were jsut waiting for it. The Number One offense, as it is every summer, is the complete and total disregard for personal hygiene. Brothas, a little Irish Spring goes a long way. Sistas, a little Summer's Eve goes a long way. Wash that ass before leaving the house. And if you come outside one more 'gin with your feet looking like you lost your boots in WWII and had to trek 300 miles through Russian snow and tin cans to get to the rendesvous point for your squadron, I swear I will hurt you. Corns, bunions and hammertoes are not acceptable footwear. How could you, how could you bring yourself to slide your feet into three hundred dollar Manolos when every one of your toes has a wart on it as if its name were Nanny McPhee? If you can afford those, you can afford a podiatrist!

That will conclude our broadcast day. Follow these tips closely, because I'll be watching.

1 Comments:

Anonymous BabyD said...

LMAO.....Ho u's a damn mess.....BUT real talk tho, especially bout them toes, and these broke-ass wannabe hustlas....my first post on ur blog, yayyyyyy:)....

12:13 PM  

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Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take and may this song play all the way, through. And if it skip a beat, hit repeat, this the realest shit I ever wrote, this is me. If it skip a beat, hit repeat, This the realest shit I ever wrote, this is me. -Juelz Sanatana, This Is Me, What The Game's Been Missing