The 48th Annual Grammy Wrap Up

Hands down, the Best Dressed lady of the evening. And I dare you to disagree. Ms. Keys killed it when she stepped out in her Armani dress. To this day, no one can dress like she can. With that stud on her arm...wait...who is that? Could it be? Kerry Brothers? Her boyfriend? Other half of the CrucialKeys sound? Um, sexybxnigga, was it you that told me I was wrong? Yeah, bitch, run me my money!
Wow...So I thought I was in for a treat. Let me just say that if you missed the show, you didn't miss much. I took voracious...okay, not so much, I just like that word...notes, and wrote down what I thought were (give me a second to que up the guy with the booming voice) "Great Moments In Grammy History!"
The show opened with an interesting performance by the virtual group Gorrilaz, then found a way to segue into Madonna's latest effort "Hung Up." I don't care how long she sings or how skinny she gets (okay, that's a lie) I will always love the Material Girl. While they were dancing, I couldn't help wishing she would get into a suit and start singing Vogue...
I became particularly interested when Kelly Clarkson won her award for whatever it is that she won for. Gorgeous little Max Azria number she had going. I'll have a list of all winnings at the bottom of this post so you can knock yourselves out...
Directly behind her acceptance speech, (she is so cute when she cries) the boring ass Coldplay took the stage. Lord knows I can't stand them. They had one good song (Clocks) and it was all downhill after that. But hey, he's Mr. Gwenyth Paltrow, husband of the most boring woman on the planet, so what could I expect? Jee Priest, they were made for each other...
Yawn, yawn, yawn, then the John Legend performance. He sang "Ordinary People." Again. I swear to everything I love, if I ever hear that song again I will take a knife slowly to my throat. Everyone blamed the acoustics again this year, I blamed the voices. He always sounds like that. Like when he butchered that Luther song a few weeks ago. Long and short, I was not impressed. He looked good though...
Speaking of looking good, Sir Common...Mmm mmm mm mm mm. Looked like a tall ass vanilla milkshake in that suit he was wearing. Lawd have mercy, eat him up with a spoon...
The country segment came on and I changed the channel. I do not listen to that stuff. For lack of a better word. I went to the Ballroom Dance Competition on PBS and was jamming like my last name was Marley. So I don't know who/sang/wore what...
U2 performed "Vertigo" and I have to admit although they sounded kind of flat, I was still jumping around singing that song in my underwear. I love U2, they freakin rock. They ended up getting five Grammy's before the night went out, including Album of the Year. They also performed their song "One Love" with Mary. It sounded awful and I'm like Mary's second favorite fan. If she wears that damn braid one more time...
Shortly behind that, Kanye won Best Rap album. Maybe now he can shut the f*ck up, although we ALL know he was gunning for Album of the Year. IMO? He didn't deserve it. Beats were great but beats don't make an album. His effort was mediocre. And if Mariah got it I would have had a fatal heart attack, as you all know...
Kelly Clarkson came back and sang "Because of You." Proof that it was not the acoustics, as she sounded simply amazing. But then again, the former American Idol winner turned Grammy winner always does. She is an amazing talent and I hope she's around for a good long minute...
PaulMcCartney needs to retire. Just throw in the towel and go the way of all the other Beatles. Please, someone fax him the memo and tell him to let it go. No, we will not forgive you for last year's Superbowl Halftime performance...
Mariah Carey performed...I heard the opening piano keys of "We Belong Together" and put on the mute button. I saw her bring out the gospel choir for another set and turned it back up, hoping it was "There's Got To Be A Way" or something. When I realized it was another song (I don't remember if it was off Mimi because I burned that after I heard it) and she was also singing that badly, I put the mute back on and lifted my magazine. Time for you to retire, Ms. Piggy...
Teri Hatcher is one Desperate ass bitch. On and off the set. She needs a man, badly. Ryan Seacrest anyone?
More country...
Joss Stone, John legend and Van Hunt opened for the Sly and the Family Stone tribute. Is anyone else bored to tears by the mere thought of this chick? She tries so hard to be a soul singer and ends up sounding very annoying at best. I can't stand her. Fantasia barreled out there, belting notes like a true diva (f*ck ya'll, I woulda put them purple shoes on with that green dress too :)
Then there was Ciara. While I must admit that the dress she had on showcased the most gorgeous set of legs that side of the Mason-Dixon, she needs to reconcile with her hairdresser IMMEDIATELY. That foolishness on her head was a pure travesty, there's no other words to describe it. Bow Wow, drop shorty a buck or two to get that "Tighten'd Up." The hair was better than the voice though. She sounds like you sound when you swallow pool water and choke it up trying to tell the crowd around you that Tony pushed you into the pool and you can't swim and you're gonna kick his ass. She further proved the point that she can't freakin sing. Ashanti, look at that. There is someone who sounds worse than you...
Blah, blah, blah...Jay-Z and Linkin Park teamed up to perform the hit "Encore/Numb" from their platinum-plus smash-up album. They won a Grammy for that song. I must admit Mr. Jay looked awful fly in his suit last night. Lost a bit of weight though...
Speaking of weight, what in the blue f*ck happened to Beyonce? She looked horrendous last night. Yes, I do mean worse than usual. Where where the flowing thousand dollar curly weave tresses? The warm glow from the bucket of chicken she ate on the ride over? The bama speech before the show? She was looking positively svelte. I mean, straight up, ten punds, gone. Skinny. It was bad. I was this close to being worried. The best looker out of them (always has been) was Kelly. She looked amazing. Michelle looked like a welfare recipient, that hair!? I can't wait until they finally call it quits...
Gwen Stefani and LL Cool J looked like they were going on a hunt with Toucan Sam. She looked absolutely ridiculous in her Amazon woman print maternity dress and he looked like...he didn't want to be there...
I was ready to turn off the TV when Bruce Springsteen came on and ripped off a hit from his wildly popular "Devils and Dust" album. Same song title. My parents are his hugest fans so I grew up around him. Love that old man...
And then something caught my eye. A platinum blonde Christina Aguilera stepped onto the stage with Herbie Hancock as her wingman. I had my hand on the remote, ya'll, ready to curse a heifer out. But then she did something she has not done in a long time, something I'm not used to hearing from her. She shocked and amazed me at the same time.
She sang.
She actually opened her mouth and let something melodic come out, for the first time in God knows how long. More proof that it was not the acoustics. I was moved by the powerful performance. Ashanti, Beyonce, Ciara, the ABC's of The No-Talent Industry, take that. And take notes and pictures becuase none of you will ever be that good. That is a true diva and that is what a song is supposed to sound like. Ms. Tina, as soon as you get your ish together and put out a good album like the first one, I'll be on my way to the record store.
Album of the Year went to U2. As it should have. There were no other worthy opponents in their category, you feel me? Mariah Carey? I will beat you in your face with a bat. Kanye West? If he would stnad up from sucking himself off long enough to see that people are sick of him, maybe he could tone it down and get an award for something.
I can't front though...Hands down, best performance of the night, Kanye and Jamie Foxx, "Golddigger." We Broke, Phi Broke, we ain't got it! That was hilarious. And dumb ass D-Ray, ya'll know he needs to be caged with Mike Epps retarded ass...
All in all, just like all the other award shows (BET, Source, Vibe, MTV Music/Movie) this show sucked. I'm desperately hoping the Oscar's will do better. And the Soul Train Awards are a lost cause. They nomiated the PussyCat Dolls. For doing what? Certainly not singing. And if I see Olivia's name one time up there, I'm going to have another heart attack.

Complete List of Grammy Winner's
http://et.tv.yahoo.com/micro/grammys/13303/