Tuesday, March 07, 2006

"I Would Like To Thank The Academy"

I never thought I would ever actually hear those words, and then Reese Witherspoon delivered, right on time.
She won her first Oscar Sunday night, for her portrayal of June Carter Cash in Walk The Line. She starred opposite Joaquin Phoenix, who was nominated, but did not win. Why? Because just like host Jon Stewart said, it was Ray with white people.
The show was actually pretty decent this year. I fell out when I realized the band had begun the music before the actors/actresses even began their speeches. What is funnier than that?
My favorite movie last year, Crash, got its just due with the Best Movie Oscar. YES, they deserved it. Had Brokeback Mountain won, I swear on everything I love, I would excommunicate Hollywood from my DVD cabinet. The same for King Kong. YAWN. Come on. I know I am not the only person who peeped the heavy racial undertones in that movie. Big black man terrorizes innocent white folk, falls in love with the pure innocent white broad...Come on! Stop insulting my intelligence!
How in the hell did Hilary Swank go from the best dressed woman ever at the Oscar's to last month's prom dress? Is the divorce going that bad? And Charlize. Darling. I love you with a passion but whoever suggested that dress ought to be shot. Several times. In the face. And you, Michelle Williams. You haven't looked good since Dawson's Creek. You didn't look good then either, come to think about it. Flaming red and yellow only looks good in a fire, honey. Jessica Alba. You already know what I'm going to say. I'll give you a five second head start before I draw my weapons.
My humble opinion, Uma Thurman's was the dress to beat this year. Nicole Kidman's looked slightly on the wedding gown side for me...But she still looked flawless. Jennifer Garner has mommy boobs! *Laughing* She was so cute in her gown. But she forgot to pick it up at the front and had to use Alias-like tactics to keep from busting her ass. Don't worry girl, eighth grade graduation, almost happened to me too.
Am I the only person that thought Luda's light skinneded ass looked damn good? Or that there was a record number of black people in the audience? Shocking...
Am I the only person that can't stand Keira Knightley's face? Am I? Really?
Was there a memo they sent out that I missed? Dear Actors, please replace the usual flower in your lapel with a piece of gawdy, hand-me-down jewelry.
I thought it would have been more amusing had Sandra Bullock fallen on her approach like she did in Miss Congeniality. I think that would have been hella funny.
Everybody's favorite house nigger, Terence Howard, was nominated for his role in Hustle and Flow, a film I simply cannot bring myself to watch, therefore I will not comment on it. Which brings me to...
Three Six Mafia, quite possibly the corniest dudes in hip hop, (IMO) won an Oscar for their song Hard Out Here For A Pimp, the theme from the aforementioned Hustle and Flow. I had to admit, I was quite proud of them as they bumrushed the stage and scared the white out of the audience. I know ya'll peeped my girl Queen Latifah about to get gully, then she remembered that was a borrowed gown and the desinger would have her ass if she f*cked it up. She was throwing out pounds and shit, I was like uh, Queen, this is still the Oscar's, boo. LOL


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Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take and may this song play all the way, through. And if it skip a beat, hit repeat, this the realest shit I ever wrote, this is me. If it skip a beat, hit repeat, This the realest shit I ever wrote, this is me. -Juelz Sanatana, This Is Me, What The Game's Been Missing