Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Tryptophan

As Thanksgiving looms over my head, an ominous reminder that everyone is almost ready to deck the halls, I sit back and reflect over just why it is that I hate the holidays.
As far as I'm concerned, Thanksgiving is the only real holiday. Families get together and celebrate the joy of being alive with a fat turkey, a few bowls of stuffing and Mac and cheese, some cranberry sauce....damn I'm getting hungry...
I hate holidays because they give everyone an excuse to be so fake. Valentine's Day is a reason for every wo/man to all of a sudden feign interest and show love for one day out of a year. Don't you love me every day? What's so different about today? And all the damn pink flowers and hearts hanging all over the place kill me. St. Valentine was murdered on the 14th of February because he performed secret marriages and got found out. (There's a little more to it than that but that's the gist of it.) Yes, I definitely want to celebrate the day of your death.
Independence Day is the barbecue-inist holiday of the year. No one really sits down and reflects the day this country became free. Instead, they reach for another rib and toss another shrimp on the barbie. If they get an early spot, they can go down to the pier and catch the fireworks on the River from the Macy's float.
Halloween is a kids holiday. I'll be damned if I dress up and go from door to door asking for candy. I have a hard time speaking to my neighbors any other time of the year so why is this any different? And what with the crap that goes on up here you're much safer indoors anyway.
Easter is also a kids holiday. Ever notice how folks get all dressed up for church when they haven't been in months? hey, I'm not judging. But like my grandma used to say: You only there for the Lord part time, he only gone answer your prayers part time. (This coming from the me. I haven't stepped foot in a church in my life and I never will.) Easter is a reason to buy new clothes so you can show off at school the next Monday.
Then there's Christmas. The mother of all holidays. People literally wait all year for Christmas to come around. They spend every dollar they make on presents and trees and decorations. The carols come on, the good china comes out, the fire is lit and the family is gathered around to be "together." If I can't stand my cousin Ray Ray any other time of the year why the f*ck would you sit him next to me on Christmas Day? Ain't nothin changed between us.
Every year on my block, somebody has an apartment fire because of their tree and faulty wiring. Without fail. Every single year. That's not a risk I'm taking. I love fire as much as the next, but I have no desire to be in such close proximity. I am too fine to be set ablaze.
People don't get nicer around Christmas either. That's like one of the biggest crocks I've ever heard. This is New York. If there's a reason to have an attitude, any and everybody has one. It's too cold, its snowing too hard, there's not enough presents for one's family, any number of things set people off around this time. It's more desperate for the poor because apparently there is a law somewhere that states that you are cruel and inhumane if your kids don't get gifts.
Which brings me to two other points. That damn Santa Claus. IMO, the guy is a pedophile. Every year he gets his jollies by having little kids come and sit on his lap as he bounces them up and down and asks what they want for Christmas. The elves are enablers. They just stand there and watch it happen. They are just as guilty. And then there are gifts. If my husband does decide he wants our kids to celebrate Christmas there are going to be a few ground rules. Namely, there is no goddamn Santa Claus. That's right. I'm Santa. My ass went to the store, shopped, packed, wrapped and sat all them present down there. He didn't spend nine hundred dollars making your wishes come true. We can dead that right now.
I'm laughing as I read this post over again. I know I sound just like Ebenezer Scrooge, but hey. Holidays are for kids. Yes, I will sit down and enjoy this big dinner I'm going to have up at the Big House on Thursday. I'm going to kick my feet back and be happy. Be forewarned: the next person who asks what their getting for Christmas is getting the response I give everyone else: Same thing I got you last year. In a bigger box though. *

1 Comments:

Anonymous Monica said...

SCROOGE is right! Where's the holiday spirit? :)Your kids will be the ones that will scar the other kids by saying my mommy says Santa ain't real! which will then lead to a recess fight and...well you get the picture right? ;)

6:26 PM  

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