Monday, November 07, 2005

You Can't Be Serious Part Two

My girlfriend asked me to analyze the All Shades of Fine list as compiled by viewers of BET. After watching it, I was severely depressed and felt compelled to toss in my two cents. *Disclaimer: All of the following statements are purely opinion and in no way reflect the views of either or BET.* With that being said, let's get into it.
25. Morris Chestnut: I have nothing bad to say about this choice. I only wish it had been higher up on the list.
24. Omarion: Who's idea of a joke was this? It's a good one I must say. Number one, Omarion is not a man. His bird chest and baby hair are not sexy. Number two, since when did it become hot to be tone deaf? He sounds like Helen Keller at a karaoke competition. Puh-leeze.
23. Ice Cube: I never found Cube to be remotely fine. I always liked him because of his gangsta persona. But face wise, not so much.
22. Nick Cannon: Ah, everyone's favorite pop-tart. Nick is Omarion's lil brother. He isn't cute much less fine. He looks like a stick of uncooked spaghetti.
21. TI: I think I can agree with this one. He looks so cocky and sexy at the same time. That tan leather jacket he had on in the ASAP video? Lookin good my brotha. Lookin good.
20. Nelly: I'm sorry Jazz, but it needs to be said. Nelly ain't all that fine. He's okay. Marginally fine at best.
19. Omar Epps: That whole second coming of Dumbo thing isn't sexy to me at all. His eyes don't look bedroomy. He looks like he's retarded.
18. Andre 3000: Andre is a great dresser. That's about it. He looks great in some clothes. That huge mole on his face isn't working for me. I don't find that attractive. I have one on my chest but it's not pronounced and it doesn't jump out like an appendage.
17. Tyson Beckford: Like I said, I prayed to the God of Fineness that his face would be okay after. All banged up and still fine as wine.
16. Pharell: I always thought Pharell was one of those cats you chilled with like a brother. Like you never saw him as fine because it would make things too awkward. He's alright looking, not fine.
15. LL Cool J: Besides the fact that my Uncle Todd bears a striking resemblance to Mr J, I don't have much to say. Yes, his face is fine. But the musclebound bald thing jsut doesn't quite work for me. Never did. Bald guys just aren't fine. Facially though, he's goit it going on.
14. Nas: Once again, the giant mole on the face thing is strongly unattractive. But hey, Kelis likes it. Nas is marginally handsome at best.
13. Terrence Howard: Always looked like he could stand to go in the oven for a few more minutes. I like em a lil dark. His best feature would have to be those great eyes. He's handsome.
12. 50 Cent: I like 50 becuase of his I don't give a f*ck I don't play that sh*t, and I'm fittin ta buss a cap in a nigga! attitude (Yes, Genie, I remember that whole skit.) He could really care less what anybody thinks about him. Call him cocky, call him arrogant, I call him my kind of nigga. He doesn't give a rat's ass what anybody feels about him and that's dope.
11. Larenz Tate: Ummm....I liked him in Dead President's....Mr. Tate fine. Only marginally good looking, like Nas. He's okay to look at, but fine I think is a stretch.
10. Diddy: Who what when where why how did this happen? Diddy is fine? Are you serious? Number one on the list of People Who Scream Their Own Names In Bed (have that up later in the week) is fine? He is sooo corny, number one and number two, how long can you ride the coattails of a dead man's success? Not that I was a Biggie fan in the first place, but OLD BOY IS DEAD. LET IT ROCK. Damn.
9. Boris Kodjoe: Okay. Where do I begin with this one. Once again, that bald thing. Still not working for me. And a few more seconds on 350 degrees. But even if he were darker with hair, he still wouldn't be fine. He's not even marginal. He's okay. Like I wouldn't be repulsed if I had to have a conversation with him. But fine? I think not.
8. Jay Z: Love Jay to death, own every album he's ever made, know most of his lyrics by heart. (You can love me or hate me, eitha or.) But the man is not fine. Looks great in a suit, cleans up well, but he's not fine. Be serious.
7. Jamie Foxx: Jamie is a good looking brother. I love his voice, it makes him that much more fine. Yes, I think this was a good choice. Finer than Tyson Beckford, I think not.
6. Michael Jordan: Before I go off on a tangent, let me just say that I can't stand Michael Jordan. Yes, fine B-Ball player but as a human, he bores the living crap out of me. I could go on for days and days about the whys but I won't. To sum it up, for the last time, bald men are not sexy. And Jordan is no exception.
5. Tupac: Nothing wrong with this choice. That boy was finer than a new pair of shoes in a CTS with a glass of Johnnie is my freshly manicured hand. Can you hear me? If it were up to me, he'd have been number one. But it wasn't. So he isn't.
4. Will Smith: Also agree with this choice. He just gets better looking with age. I'm glad he grew out of the doofy Fresh Prince thing. Those ears! But now he's a looker. His kids, I'm still on the iffy boat about them. The girl is cute though.
3. Allen Iverson: Yes. That's all I can say is yes. Six foot of fine as I don't know what. And his attitude (see 50 Cent) makes him that much finer.
2. Denzel Washington: Extremely handsome. Denzel, if you love us like you say you do, you will get your wife a consultation with Nubian Designs (That's my girl in the hood, she can hook up anything) so we can do something about that Back-to-Africa 'do Pauletta be sportin. Lawd have mercy.
1. Usher: Usher's nose gets in the way of his fineness. And no I can't look past it. He cn also be found on the list (See Diddy) He's a great entertainer, his concerts never bore me. But as a person, I don't find his particular brand of cockiness to be attractive. He's one of those I'm God's gift to music type of niggas. (Like Johnny Gill's gay ass) Now I will not sit here and front. Confessions was my ish. (And 8701. 'Life's a prison when you're in love alone'.) But I digress. There is no way he's finer than Tyson Beckford, Allen Iverson, or Tupac.
If you have questions or comments about this list, you know where I am. But deep down inside, if you really think about it, you know I'm only saying what ya'll really wanna say. :)


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