Monday, December 12, 2005

Red States/Blue States, My Version

It sends a chill up and down my spine sometimes to think that some of the lame ass states in this country actually made it into the final cut. Some time ago I made my won list of The Real States. I have dreamed of becoming President for the lone purpose of reconfiguring the map. So at Monica's request and based solely on my own opinion, I will, in alphabetical order, desribe how the new United States should look (Red=no, blue=yes):
Alabama: Not a real state. At the risk of being set ablaze by the remaining members of the Klan I will refrain from saying why.
Alaska: Not a real state. The simple fact that this psuedostate doesn't even touch America should scream volumes, people.
Arizona: Not a real state.
Arkansas: Is it Arkansas or Arkansaw? Make up your minds, folks. Not a real state.
California: I could go into detail, but I will say this. Since no one over there eats anything, we're going to take it back to slave days and assume they are all 2/3 of a person. Which makes them not a real state. (Hopefully one of these days they'll finally finish burning down and stop wasting precious media time.)
Colorado: Need I say more? Not a real state.

Connecticut: Not big enough to be a real state.
Delaware: Torn. Will be back later.
Florida: Only because my aunt lives there does this state qualify as a real state. So thank her for saving you.
Georgia: Also saved because I have family there. And because they can cook. But if it were up to crunk music and the whole Dirty South movement? Their ass would be grass.
Hawaii: See Alaska.
Idaho: Hell yeah this is a real state. The crank out potatos, a must have in the famous steak and potato with mushroom sauce dish I so love to make.
Illinois: Does anybody really realize that when they say they're from Chicago they're saying they're from Illinois? I think not. Not a real state.
Indiana: Only reason anyone knows anything about this state is because the Jackson's made it famous. Not a real state.
Iowa: What's in Iowa again?
Kansas: You're not here anymore Dorothy.
Kentucky: But for Colonel Sanders...Not a real state.
Louisiana: Also a hell yes. Home of New Orleans (and Mo, wink!) They have a whole street dedicated to Bourbon. They are Gods.
Maine: Of course. Two words; Lob-ster.
Maryland: Um, no.
Masschusetts: Being that I may hate Bostonians more than I hate those from Jersey, this is not a state.
Michigan: Riiiight...
Minnesota: See Iowa.
Mississippi: Quite possibly the most racist state in the country, closely followed by 'Bama. So, no.
Missouri: See Iowa.
Montana: Whose idea was this? There is nothing left out there but bad Kevin Coster movies. Big Sky Country? When there are more clouds than people, you know you're not a real state. Do they even have roads?
Nebraska: See Iowa.
Nevada: There is nothing to do here but gamble. Since I am firmly against gambling, this state also gets the axe.
New Hampshire: When all your area codes are the same for the entire state...you are not a real state. (Alaska, Delaware, Hawaii, Montana, etc...)
***New Jersey: As soon as I become President, the bridge is being blown up and those yellow bellied wannabe bastards will be out there to fend for themselves like the rabid dogs they are. Definitely not a real state.
New Mexico: See New Hampshire. There was nothing wrong with Old Mexico. Putting a New Mexico is the same thing as inviting every immigrant right on over the border. Out with the Old, in with the New!
New York: My city, my town, my hood.Whatever you want to call it, just don't hate. No state can touch New York. They've tried, but we remain often imitated, never duplicated. Fo sho a real state.
North Carolina: Umm...
North Dakota: Umm...
Ohio: Not a real state.
Oklahoma: See Montana.
Oregon: See Montana.
Pennsylvania: I know I would have my ass whipped brutally if I mentioned anything foul about this state. Big Big ups to Harrisburg (VisualEyes, PrincessCandyRain and MistaKnockBoots), Pittsburgh (Drammaqueen86 and whatitdo) and of course, the mighty Killadelph, the City of Brotherly Love (you know who you are, xo)
Rhode Island: Also not large enough to be a real state. Their greeting signs say "You are now entering and leaving Rhode Island. Population: the passengers in your car."
South Carolina: See North Carolina.
South Dakota: See North Dakota.
Tennessee : Eightball, MJG and Three Six Mafia are far more than a good enough reason for this not to be a real state.
Texas: There are no paved roads in Texas. Don't worry, I checked.
Utah: Not a real state.
Vermont: Nice vacation spot, but not a real state.
Washington: Besides Seattle which I love because it rains so damn much, not a real state.
West Virgina: An aunt of mine lives down there. And something else, I'll remember later.
Wisconsin: That's where we get out cheese, apparently. So they're quite important.
Wyoming: See Iowa.
And there you have it. If you see your state and have questions or commetnts, feel free to hit me up. I would love to explain this to the fullest.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Monica said...

So there's only 8 1/2 states and the rest of the land is just U.S. territory like uhh Puerto Rico LOL. You might want to reconsider Minnesota..it's home to the Mall of America..the largest mall in the U.S. that counts for something right?

2:50 AM  
Blogger PEPSI LOVER said...

lol *ahem ahem* seeing how u hit all my states as a non state...damn!!! from my name u know i am from Texas...lol we can be our own country n declare war on you then take over..lol my moms From Arkansas and my dad is from Ohio..hmmm so we wouldnt be in your great country if u was president huh... but i have 2 ask seein how i am in the military... and i am station here... you only have 49 states listed... where oh where is Virginia... lol i would say not a state... common wealth sucks ass!!! lol thanks for your views...

9:00 AM  
Blogger PEPSI LOVER said...

lol i meant by my name on my blog site being TXgoodnbad...lol

6:17 PM  

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