...So Don't Push Me
I just had the mother of all mood swings. So don't email me after I post this because I'm feeling really f*cked up. I do not - matter of fact don't call me either. I'm pissed and I think I'm entitled to be. No, I'm not dicsussing it.
Anyway, guess who calls me up? If you guessed both my exes, you're right. You know I was heated. So now I'm sitting here with a bottle of Bergerac Rose' trying to understand why I didn't bash both their skulls in when I had the chance. We'll just name them X #1 and X #2 for now.
X #1 never quite got over me. As I tell all my exes, you're going to miss me when I'm gone. And they all do. He hasn't moved on and its been over a year since he got the axe. What did Usher say? Let it burn? Seriously dude, take his advice. Here's our conversation, heavily paraphrased:
X1: So what's up? How you been? How was your birthday?
(Our birthdays are in the same month, his the the 25th.)
Me: I'm good, it was cool. What about you?
X1: Chillin chillin.
(Skip skip skip, blah blah blah)
X1: So you seeing anybody right now?
(Ah, the true point of this conversation comes to light.)
Me: (snorting) Hell no.
X1: Why you say it like that?
Me: I'm not in the mood for men right now. I'm SBC and loving it.
X1: What's that?
Me: Single By Choice.
X1: Oh. I just wanted to know if you wanted to go out sometime. I know we not together no more but I still wanna chill.
Me: Like hang out?
X1: Nah, I mean, I was hoping we could talk for a while, you know, see if we could get back together.
And cut.
The precise reasons we are not chilling are as follows:
When we were together, we had some good times yes. I have to admit that. Hemade me laugh and on occasion the jokes were actually funny. But as I got older and started to realize that the longer we stayed together the longer I would have to comtemplate marrying this cat, the wheels got to turning.
Now, the reasons we broke up are as follows:
-His severe insecurity got the best of him and forced him to take out his trust issues on me. His way of drawing close was pushing me away.
-He had an attitude worse than mine. I can be Frosty the Snow Bitch at any given time but I swear to cookies he got a period same time I did.
-The physical attraction wore off after he cut his hair. Call me shallow but after a long while I think that was the only reason I was attracted to him in the first place.
-We had a very bad down period after a small tragedy (if you don't know its probably one of the things I'll never tell you about me so don't ask) and he was so insensitive. Forget how I was feeling, it was about what he wanted. Anything would have made me feel better. A hug, a kiss, a kind word. Did I get that?
-He thought about sex entirely too much. Contrary to popular opinion I can take sex or leave it. Unlike shoes its not a neccessity for life. You know that 8.25 second thing they have for men? I think it applied to him. I don't remember us getting through one conversation without him bringing it up.
(*Sidebar: Yes, having a big d*ck is a lovely amenity in a man. But it means sh*t if you can't use it. And head is meant to be pleasurable, not leaving the woman wanting to touch herself in order to get the thought of your mouth out of her mind.)
-I could drag this out for pages and pages, but the most important factor in our split was the fact that he couldn't accept me. He didn't love me for who I was, he kept trying to change me to fit his standards. I spent too much of our relationship trying to change and make him happy. Then it clicked. Men come and go but I'll have me forever. So f*ck you buddy!
I don't even want to be friends with him. After all he put me through talking was painful. I had to hear his voice and be reminded of the bullsh*t I had to endure because I thought I was in love. Like DC sys, Ain't no feeling like being free.
Now onto X2. This relationship I refer to as my lesbian experience. The way I see it, only a p*ssy would act the way he did so he must have had one stashed somewhere. Now I didn't speak to him, I only received a telephone message.
X2: Hey this is *Ex Number Two. I'm just calling to check on J. Want to know how she was doing. I guess I'll call back.
No, nigga, you won't call back. I had a good mind to trace that number, go get my heat, find his ass and not miss this time. I was in such shock and disbelief at the gall and audacity and sheer balls it took to call me that I was speechless for about twenty minutes. It was over an hour before I could formulate a thought. I guess I'll call back?? The last time we spoke I told you to suck a bloody Kotex and die. What part of don't call me again did you not get? Before I blow a blood vessel I'm going to calm down. Sh*t like that is exactly why I've sworn off men until I'm ready to get married. Neither do I need, nor do I have time for the bullsh*t.
I guess I'll call back.
I wish a muthaf*cka would.
Anyway, guess who calls me up? If you guessed both my exes, you're right. You know I was heated. So now I'm sitting here with a bottle of Bergerac Rose' trying to understand why I didn't bash both their skulls in when I had the chance. We'll just name them X #1 and X #2 for now.
X #1 never quite got over me. As I tell all my exes, you're going to miss me when I'm gone. And they all do. He hasn't moved on and its been over a year since he got the axe. What did Usher say? Let it burn? Seriously dude, take his advice. Here's our conversation, heavily paraphrased:
X1: So what's up? How you been? How was your birthday?
(Our birthdays are in the same month, his the the 25th.)
Me: I'm good, it was cool. What about you?
X1: Chillin chillin.
(Skip skip skip, blah blah blah)
X1: So you seeing anybody right now?
(Ah, the true point of this conversation comes to light.)
Me: (snorting) Hell no.
X1: Why you say it like that?
Me: I'm not in the mood for men right now. I'm SBC and loving it.
X1: What's that?
Me: Single By Choice.
X1: Oh. I just wanted to know if you wanted to go out sometime. I know we not together no more but I still wanna chill.
Me: Like hang out?
X1: Nah, I mean, I was hoping we could talk for a while, you know, see if we could get back together.
And cut.
The precise reasons we are not chilling are as follows:
When we were together, we had some good times yes. I have to admit that. Hemade me laugh and on occasion the jokes were actually funny. But as I got older and started to realize that the longer we stayed together the longer I would have to comtemplate marrying this cat, the wheels got to turning.
Now, the reasons we broke up are as follows:
-His severe insecurity got the best of him and forced him to take out his trust issues on me. His way of drawing close was pushing me away.
-He had an attitude worse than mine. I can be Frosty the Snow Bitch at any given time but I swear to cookies he got a period same time I did.
-The physical attraction wore off after he cut his hair. Call me shallow but after a long while I think that was the only reason I was attracted to him in the first place.
-We had a very bad down period after a small tragedy (if you don't know its probably one of the things I'll never tell you about me so don't ask) and he was so insensitive. Forget how I was feeling, it was about what he wanted. Anything would have made me feel better. A hug, a kiss, a kind word. Did I get that?
-He thought about sex entirely too much. Contrary to popular opinion I can take sex or leave it. Unlike shoes its not a neccessity for life. You know that 8.25 second thing they have for men? I think it applied to him. I don't remember us getting through one conversation without him bringing it up.
(*Sidebar: Yes, having a big d*ck is a lovely amenity in a man. But it means sh*t if you can't use it. And head is meant to be pleasurable, not leaving the woman wanting to touch herself in order to get the thought of your mouth out of her mind.)
-I could drag this out for pages and pages, but the most important factor in our split was the fact that he couldn't accept me. He didn't love me for who I was, he kept trying to change me to fit his standards. I spent too much of our relationship trying to change and make him happy. Then it clicked. Men come and go but I'll have me forever. So f*ck you buddy!
I don't even want to be friends with him. After all he put me through talking was painful. I had to hear his voice and be reminded of the bullsh*t I had to endure because I thought I was in love. Like DC sys, Ain't no feeling like being free.
Now onto X2. This relationship I refer to as my lesbian experience. The way I see it, only a p*ssy would act the way he did so he must have had one stashed somewhere. Now I didn't speak to him, I only received a telephone message.
X2: Hey this is *Ex Number Two. I'm just calling to check on J. Want to know how she was doing. I guess I'll call back.
No, nigga, you won't call back. I had a good mind to trace that number, go get my heat, find his ass and not miss this time. I was in such shock and disbelief at the gall and audacity and sheer balls it took to call me that I was speechless for about twenty minutes. It was over an hour before I could formulate a thought. I guess I'll call back?? The last time we spoke I told you to suck a bloody Kotex and die. What part of don't call me again did you not get? Before I blow a blood vessel I'm going to calm down. Sh*t like that is exactly why I've sworn off men until I'm ready to get married. Neither do I need, nor do I have time for the bullsh*t.
I guess I'll call back.
I wish a muthaf*cka would.
posted by Jacki Simmons at 11:38 PM
1 Comments:
Okay yeah i remember that shit. that kotex shit was funny as hell. what up ma?
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