Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Top Ten Reasons Why I Don't Go To Church

A lot of people have asked me why I don't go to church. I don't feel like explaining it a thousand times so here it is in a post. Before I continue, I do not want any emails telling me that I'm going to hell (I already know, Satan sent me a postcard day before last; seems my seat is still open), I do not want to hear that I should go next Sunday, I would like it (I'm busy next Sunday. And the week after that. And the week after that), and most important of these I don't want to hear how insulted you are. You know me. If its how I feel, I'm 99% of the time going to say it. The same people who ask the questions are the same people who are always offended. So since its about to get crazy irreverant up in here the faint of heart or steady churchgoers may exit.
10. Greetings - As a person who is not into other people, I would have to go to church every Sunday and feign interest in the well being of other people. Sister Simmons? How are you this fine afternoon? All right then, come on over here and say hello to Sister Baker. I don't think so.
9. Convenience - Most of my outings occur on the weekends. Its so much easier to say, yes I'm free on Sunday, than say yeah girl I can go. Right after church. Then to come in the next week and hear "well I missed you last Sunday, you missed a powerful sermon" would put me over the edge. It seems every Sunday is a powerful sermon so I'm not really missing anything am I?
8. Attire - Anyone who knows me knows I carry on no love affair with skirts. I hate skirts. I only wear them when absolutely necessary. They are uncomfortable and you can't do in them the same things you can do in pants. My mami can't understand why I don't like them, she thinks I have beautiful legs. "Child, you should show those off, they look so good." I guess they're alright. Now the high heels I can definitely do. But the skirts? Not so much.
7. The Holy Ghost - Someone is definitely going to have to explain this one to me. I will never understand the point of this. Falling out becuase you caught the "spirit" and looking like a damn fool in the process. I completely understand feeling it, like the other night I was getting down with Kelly Price and the Clark Sisters. But the shaking and convulsing and foaming at the mouth, isn't that a little extreme? What exactly is "catching" the Holy Ghost anyway? This all stems back to the way I was raised, I see. Which brings me right along to my next thought...
6. The Trinity - Yet another thing I for the life of me will never get. How the Church figures that God and Jesus are the same person is beyond interesting. Its downright mind boggling. (Please, hit me up and explain that one.) Like so many other things, this makes no sense and raises a couple of questions for me. If Jesus and God were one then the whole death and ressurection thing would be pretty hard to pull off right? (My brother is looking over my shoulder telling me that the Holy Spirit brought Jesus back from the dead. As if that makes any more sense.)
5. The Choir - Pure jealousy. That would be the only thing that could push me over at church. I've always wanted to sing and while I can carry a tune, I'm no Phyllis Hyman. I mean I'm not tone deaf, I can probably do as well as Ashanti (insert sucker punch) but I don't have one of those "raised in the church" voices. I do my best work in the shower.
4. The Collection Plate/Tithe - Whoo boy. According to my church going peoples, the plate is passed around several times to "collect" for the Lord. And the tithe is when you give up a hefty tenth of your monthly salary. Let me put down this Dutch because the smoke is obviously messing with my head. How many things are wrong with that? I'm passing around money? More than once? One of my girlfriends told me that she heard her Pastor say he didn't want to hear any change in his collection plate. WTF?? And a required tithe? What happened here? In the Bible I read, there was a certain scripture where a poor old woman went into the temple and gave all she had, not all the church asked of her. She would be blessed more than the Pharisees because her gift was not of her wallet, but of her heart. What I give will be what I have, not what is demanded from me.
3. Bible use - Nearly every one I know says they directly quote from the Bible, wave it around alot, but never actually open it. I'm not saying this is every church but umm... since this is a Bible based house of worship, shouldn't we be using a Bible? Or is it me?
2. The Pastor/Reverend/Whoever - I am not going to sit in an audience and have you scream at me for three hours until service is over. I can hear you just fine if you speak clearly and e-nun-ci-ate. Why are you sweating and screaming? Are you 'feeling the spirit'? Preach the Word, fine. But all the blood sweat and tears is, in my mind, unneccessary. Its silly even. To the point where its like is this a circus perfomance or what?
1. Personal Beliefs - I know the Bible says that God will judge everyone as he sees fit. So why don't we leave that up to him? I think it would be insulting to God to step my foot in church when I know I don't have my sh*t together. I drink like a fish, curse like a sailor and up until recently, smoked like a chimney. I'm not going to church to confess my sins and repent on a weekly basis just to go back and do the same things I was doing before. (That's right, won't catch me coming to church in my club clothes from the night before.) I love God just as much as the next and I do not feel any worse or better about worshiping him from the comfort of my own home.
What a load off. I should do more of these, really.


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Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take and may this song play all the way, through. And if it skip a beat, hit repeat, this the realest shit I ever wrote, this is me. If it skip a beat, hit repeat, This the realest shit I ever wrote, this is me. -Juelz Sanatana, This Is Me, What The Game's Been Missing