Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Wrangler Jeans and Jellies

***DISCLAIMER: IF YOU ARE IN ANY WAY RELATED TO THE FOLLOWING MODELS, I DON'T KNOW THEM AND THESE STATEMENTS ARE NOT TO BE TAKEN PERSONALLY. RELAX.***

So one of my girlfriends emails me these pictures of male models. The caption goes: "Ms. Tyra, these are America's real next top models." I felt the need to share. Now I am going to rep a fine man to the fullest but he has to give me something to go on, seriously. These guys are ummm...gag me with a spoon.
I believe, and I don't think I'm alone here, that male modeling is quite possibly the gayest profession ever invented. I mean, what screams fag like "walk, walk walk, and strike a pose, bitch!"? Clearly you male models have mommy issues that were not discussed during the intesne therapy sessions you missed out on as you catwalked through the cafeteria. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with being an attractive man, nothing wrong at all. But these suggestive poses are best left to those with feminine anatomies, I find. Take for example:


Can it possibly get gayer than that? How do you tell your dudes, "ay yo son, look at that new picture of me in DETAILS, son. Tell me that shit ain't fire my nigga." If you make it out before the bullets start flying, you're one lucky bastard. Seriously. No grown ass man is going to show his friends pictures of him hugging his own naked body unles he's doing some serious after hours teabagging. Let's move on:

Brandon. Darling. I don't know if you look more like a Downy soft snow bunny or an extra from a bad Avant wannabe video. What was the name of that show where one lucky winner could get the chance to make a video where they look like their favorite celebrity? Super fruit, super fruit, he's super fruity...NEXT!

No words. Is that...Ne-Yo? Oh, I am so sick alright...

How do you justify this shit? How is this right to you? In what altered state of mind did he find this to be proper behavior for a straight dude? I could only be more sick if it were glitter. They I would be racing from the computer to the bathroom trying to hold the bile back before it spewed out across the entire room. If my dude ever came home and showed me these pictures I would seriously ask him if there was someone else. But wait. There's more:

Stuffing anyone? I'm sure there's enough to go around. Turkey or pork? Oh both, here's a double scooping. I haven't seen anything remotely as gay since this. Or that. Completely fagadocious. Unnacceptable. Our grand finale:

Oh, rain down on me, let your love just fall like raindrops...My bad. In the indelible words of Jay-Z, what more can I say? I don't want anyone coming at me trying to justify this shit as ok either. Because it's wrong. It's just very, very, maddeningly wrong. My kids are gonna be fine as red hell but I refuse to dignify my son with a response if he ever comes home and tells me that he plans on modeling for a living. How you people look at the sale of crack is how I look at male modeling. Just plain wrong.
(For those of you that actually enjoyed these pics, email me for the full archive.)

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