Thursday, November 10, 2005

The List

I'm feeling like typing now, so let me get on it. Tonight I am posting the latest (well, the only) version of the list of...

People who Scream Their Own Names In Bed:
10. Bow Wow- "I got a girl that every nigga wants and she got a man that every girl wants." Nigga please. Nobody thinks you and your bird chest (Omarion, Nick Cannon) are sexy. You are borderline handsome and that's only because you have light eyes. Sit it on down. Just because you're eighteen now doesn't mean you're any hotter than you were when you were thirteen with a squeaky voice. Which brings me to...
9. Jermaine Dupri- Looking like a bat with his brand new haircut Mr. Dupri swears he is hot she*t. Yes, he has been producing for a minute. And some of his collabos have actually been dope. But it seemed strange to me when him and Jay were screaming out with the top down "money ain't a thing" and you turned around and got all yo sh*t repossessed. And now you're dating a Janet who is looking very Barbie-ish these days.
8. J.Lo- I was cool with J up until I heard she wanted an Oscar. She's not an Oscar-worthy actress. Let's run down her list of mediocrity. The Wedding Planner, Anaconda, Out of Sight, Maid In Manhattan, Angel Eyes, Jersey Girl....(Now I can't sit here and front, she worked her ass off in Selena and Enough was my sh*t.) When you start accepting better roles, you'll start getting Oscar nods.
7. Diddy- Old boy is shouting his name at the top of his lungs whenever he hits the sack. A coupla dollas (alright, a multi-million dollar empire) and you can't take the shades off? My granddaddy told me something about men who can't take their sunglasses off to speak to you: they can't be trusted. So you ran the New York Marathon. Whoopi twango. So did about twenty-five thousand other people. And another thing, hop off Biggie, son.
6. Tiger Woods- I used to think this cat was cool. A black man proving that there was more to sports than just football and basketball. And then you go on NATIONAL TELEVISION and say you don't consider yourself black and don't identify with the black culture? (I'm about to get real stank so if you're faint of heart please turn away. I know this is another side of me Batman but you know how I feel about ignant folks.) You and your confused ass daddy need to go back a few chapters and figure out what it means to be black. You should be proud to be black. Folks fought and died for your uppity ass to have a chance in today's world. If it weren't for blacks before you, then your club swinging rice eatin ass wouldn't have any endorsements now would you?
5. Samuel L. Jackson- I will be back to explain myself after I get exactly what he said and repost it here. As soon as I do, you'll understand why I can't stand his ass.
4. Star Jones- I liked her before she lost the weight. She lost it and her mind at the same time, apparently. Ordering folks around, demanding this, demanding that. Bitch please! You were so nasty to folks at your wedding that they now call you FrankenStar? Come on. Yeah, that's the impression I want to leave on my guests. I'm an evil narcissistic bitch with no heart. (Oh and I could've told you about Al. All you had to do was ask.)
3. Michael Jordan- Need I say more?
2. TO- Yeah. So once again your fat mouth gets you in trouble. When zare you going to learn, bruh? They shoot cats like you in my hood. You talk too much. Just shut up and play the damn game. Granted, you are one hell of a player. Yes, I'll give you that. But nobody wants a loud mouthed rebel on their team. Notice, there's no I in team! But there are four in INDEFINITE SUSPENSION!
1. Usher- This was a hard one. I was going to put TO in this spot until I realized no one has perfected the art of sucking himself off quite like Usher. (Okay, there is another person, Batman, you know who I'm talking about...) Why is it that you're proud to be a "teen heartthob" at like 25? (Marques Houston, you too. Grow up son.) I can't stand Usher. He always has that dumb ass I'm better than you'll ever be smirk on his face. "I like to think of myself as the next Michael Jackson." *Loud snickering* Yeah. That's going to happen. Let's see you sell 90 million copies of Thriller. And what is up with you and your mom? I've heard of mama's boy, but that is just unnatural. I love my mom just as much as the next but is she still bathing and feeding you or what? His inability to grow up and the fact that he swears he's God's Gift to Music has earned Usher the number one spot. (Can't front, I'm still bumping Confessions on a regular though)
Before I sign off, thank you and big shouts to Ms Pepsi Lover. I figured out how to get the thingie on as you can see. And girl as you probably already know, I live and breath James Patterson. Never got around to Annie Rice though. I'll have to check her out.
Night night.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Monica said...

So of course I was counting the i's in indefinite suspension (yep four times I did b/c I was like there's 5 i's no wait it's 4). And Enough and Selena are J. Lopez's best. Now you got me saying "We love Selenas" :)

7:55 PM  

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Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take and may this song play all the way, through. And if it skip a beat, hit repeat, this the realest shit I ever wrote, this is me. If it skip a beat, hit repeat, This the realest shit I ever wrote, this is me. -Juelz Sanatana, This Is Me, What The Game's Been Missing